Let me begin this article with a disclaimer. As a trans person, I am educated, but I do not know everything. Please do your own research to learn more about the topics brought up in this article. Something else to consider is that etiquette changes as society changes so what is mentioned here may not be correct or relevant if you are reading this long after it is published. All the more reason to do your own research! That being said, let's get into the topics:

A huge part of being an ally to the trans community is learning the etiquette of gender-inclusive and gender-exclusive language. Gender-inclusive language is a language that includes all genders while a gender-exclusive language does not.

In groups, it is best to use a gender-inclusive language where possible. A key example of this is using "folks", "all", or "everyone" instead of "guys" or "ladies and gentlemen". There are many examples of gender-exclusive languages that have been normalized in groups. Some gender-exclusive words that I hadn't noticed before becoming an ally were "mankind", "manmade", "waiter", and "waitress". When describing someone whose gender you don’t know, try to use "they" instead of "he or she".

Another common example is when referring to significant others. When you don't know the gender of someone's partner, terms like "partner", "significant other", or "spouse" are preferred over "boyfriend," "girlfriend", "husband", or "wife". This is important on two counts: you are making sure not to assume someone's sexuality or their significant other's gender.

Not all gender-exclusive language is bad though. Pronouns are gender-exclusive as well as very important. They are dominantly used as a gender identification and represent people's gender identity. Respecting people's pronouns is the number one rule for respecting trans people's identities. For a trans person, correct pronouns can be very gender affirming. Remember that all genders and identities are valid. Even if one person uses the wrong pronouns for someone in front of a group that doesn't necessarily know them, it is misgendering.

Respecting the pronouns of others is important. If you are unsure of what they are, ask them privately. If you can't right away, assume "they/them" until you know for sure. When speaking about someone whose gender you do not know, it's better to say "they" instead of "he" or "she". For example, instead of saying "he was wearing a hat", try "they were wearing a hat". Another way to learn what someone's pronouns are is to listen to the pronouns that those who know them are using.

It's important to remember that messing up is natural and okay. A big thing I notice people doing is apologizing profusely and persistently when they mess up pronouns. It's best to avoid this as it can out a trans person and/or make them very uncomfortable. The best course of action if you mess up is to apologize and move on. Think of what you would do if you accidentally used the wrong pronouns for a cis person. Your reaction should be the same for a trans person.

Common pronouns include "they/them", "she/her", and "he/him". Note that "they/them" when referring to someone's preferred pronouns is a singular pronoun; it is used when speaking about one person. There are other pronouns that people identify with including "xe/xim", "ze/zim", and many more. If you don't know how to use someone's pronouns, make sure to ask them.

If you are looking to be a great ally to the trans community, hold others accountable for their use of correct pronouns and gender-inclusive language. Another helpful thing you can do is introduce yourself with your pronouns. This helps normalize it so that trans people aren't outing themselves simply by stating their pronouns during introductions.

And there you have it! A quick crash course on the etiquette of using gender-inclusive and exclusive language. As with anything, doing your own research is very important! This is by no means a complete guide.