Welcome to another fantastic article of A Beautiful Soul! Here you will hear about experiences and stories from people's lives within the LGBTQ+ community. This can be anything they wish to share with us, so please be careful proceeding further, as this article contains mentions of deadnaming, transphobia, dysphoria, mental health struggles, and self-harm that can be triggering for some readers.
Today, we have someone who is brave enough to share their current struggles with us. The floor is all yours.
Hi, everyone! It still feels surreal that I was given this opportunity, but I'm glad I was. For many years, I only expressed being an ally to the community. I've been to rallies, parades, and other functions to show support for LGBTQ+ members. I guess you can say I stayed in the closet.
But, I have begun my own journey of self-discovery after years of questioning. How many people have felt a pull towards an individual that felt more than the usual friendship or whatever your relationship with them was? Not just me, right? I was raised with Christian beliefs and was afraid to voice my feelings because of this. Around my family, it still feels taboo after comments they have made when I have hinted at them.
So, for years I have been strictly an ally to the community even though I have felt a pull in another direction. What direction is that? Well, I'm still not entirely sure. I'm not heterosexual by any means, but my sexual identity is still a bit of a mystery as I'm still in the questioning phase. I am very much still in the closet to family and I will one day come out to them. It just hasn't felt like the right time for multiple reasons. A few friends have assumed I am gay. Personally, I feel like pansexual is a decent fit, but it's not 100% screaming my name yet. I am very interested in polyamorous relationships as well. There're so many layers I'm still discovering that I'm not certain I want to tie myself down to any one label at the moment, if that makes sense? There are two that I am exploring more currently.
I am certain of my gender identity. I identify as genderfluid. That was the most at home and secure I've felt in ages when I first started my self-discovery. It answered many questions I previously had and I couldn't be more thrilled to have that aspect of myself under control. I say under control because after years of feeling like spiraling between depression and other mental health problems, it was the first thing that made sense and I had control over. No one else could decide this for me and it felt right.
I have stopped all self-harm since I began my journey three years ago. I don't feel like a complete stranger in my own body and mind. I'm thankful I've been able to have friends support me where my family can't. I still get deadnamed in my day-to-day life but most of the time it is unintentionally done. Though it still hurts, I don't feel the need to do things that I once would have. That's a big deal to me. It feels like I'm moving a step closer in the right direction. I am still scared of the political issues in my state, but I am hopeful because I won't let myself dwell and fall back into severe depression again.
While I'm glad I could share this with you, it has been exhausting. I hope to come back one day and share my progress with you.
As always, thank you for giving us as much insight into your journey as you are comfortable with. We do look forward to hearing where your journey takes you. That's it for this issue of A Beautiful Soul. Until next month!